4.19.2012

Petition To Travel Back In Time To Before the Tupac Hologram

A-hem. I would like to formally start a petition to travel back in time to before the Tupac Hologram, and assassinate Dre. Hmm. That sounds pretty bad. He might release Detox after all. Okay, we won't assassinate Dre. Instead, we'll firebomb the facilities/offices that are responsible for spewing forth this demonic apparition.


We should probably slap the shit out of past-Dre too, as penance for future-Dre's mistakes, but both of those Dre's are very, very jacked. Fuck. I mean, I'd suggest we travel even further back in time to when Dre was small and then slap the shit out of him, but asking the Illuminati for two time travel trips seems like a risky idea. Oh, I hadn't mentioned that yet? Yeah, by signing the petition, you're asking the Illuminati to employ their time-travelling technology, and thus spare us from the hologram.


This might seem like a lot to handle, but it's all pretty straightforward. Yes, the Illuminati has time travelling technology. I mean, that's not even a reach. They were smart enough to come up with this handshake, and that shit's complex as fuck. 

There are only two things that worry me with this petition. One, by publishing it I let the Illuminati know I know they exist, which will probably lead to my untimely demise. That's a risk I'm willing to take, I've decided. The only thing I can't stomach is the idea that the Illuminati's shadow assassins will slide into my dorm room before I publish this, thus erasing any links between me and them. Hmm. I'm going to write really, really fast.

My second worry is that the Illuminati will not provide their technology to us. This, however, is stupid as fuck. Everybody knows petitions always work. It's simple. If a lot of people sign something, then people have to do shit they might not want to. It's a universal rule. It might even be in the Old Testament. Maybe. I'd probably know that if I'd spent more History classes paying attention instead of posting here. Shit.

Why am I not a member of the "holy-fucking-boner-Tupac-is-back!!" commitee that made his name a trending topic on Twitter the day-of and the day-after? (That's what new age popularity looks like, trending the next day). For a few reasons. One, dead people are dead for a reason. I'm not very religious, but once a person dies, that's it. Don't bring them back to life, or, to a lesser degree, re-imagine them as NBA 2k figurines, and then put words in their mouth. Do you realize how fucking terrifying it is that he said "what's up Coachella?"? That's not pre-recorded. They didn't dub up mp3s of him saying that. That shit is manufactured, and it's fucking terrifying when you consider the possibilities. Instead of the audience roaring back in excitement, they should've been screaming prayers to ward off evil. Silly, drugged-up festival goers.

Also, I hate the idea of someone, somewhere, approving this. Like that's how far the concept of "the estate" has gone. It's not just likenesses for figurines, or posthumous albums. It's fucking reincarnations. The idea of Pac's Mom signing off of this makes my skin crawl. She signed off on the use of her son in this manner? Maybe we should go back in time and have her stab the pen into her own face.

Finally, we have to realize it's now a matter of weeks, not months, until they do this next. Somebody interviewed the good Doctor, and he said he wants to do it with Jimi Hendrix. There's been talks about Han Holo Pac going on tour. Maybe even with Biggie in tow (though you know Diddy's already at work on bringing him out at an NY show). That's the power of the dollar. Businesses see shit like "trending on Twitter" and think, hey, this is great business. The guy responsible for this was spouting off in interviews about how cheap it is to make a hologram. Does this guy know he's a soulless fuck? Should we tell him? I for one will not be supporting the "Ressurected Rap God Tour" that is sure to be coming to every city before the year is out. 

I hope you share my belief in the wrongness of this situation. I hope you leave your name in the comments, and by doing so, indicate that you stand with me in this time of moral corruption, and further, you desire that the offices from whence this world-altering evil came from be obliterated.

Once the signatures have piled up, the Illuminati will be forced to take heed of our request. Thank god for time-travelling demon-lords like the Illuminati, and thank fuck even they respect the power of the petition.


Share on Facebook and Twitter, the more signatures the better. Leave your name below, if you're so inclined, and if you're a member of the evil-Hologram-loving camp, let me know. Commenting is as easy as picking a name and putting in an email. It doesn't even have to be a real email. If you liked what you read, there's more under the "SeriouslyTS" tab.

3 comments:

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